Yo-ness

Sooo... 'sup? How is everyone? I'm cool, I guess... aside from xanga being evil. --; They changed waaaaay too many things AND THEY WONT TAKE MY PICTURE!! >.< so I have to put the dancing guy in my album, if it'll let me.

OK, so I totally have nothing to say.... But. I love ya'll and all... so... ya ..... Just wanted to update... see if I still existed....

'Ello!! ^-^

Yes, I'm trying to update more.

'Sup?

.....Anyway. I figure I may as well make another post... soooooo..... God. I dunno what to talk about. OH! I tried for my Permit Friday. And failed. Saw it commin'. Either way. Mom's makin' me try again tomorow. Hope I pass this time... it was so embarassing... -sigh- But whatever.

.....On a lighter note... I will be an 11th grader this year! Isn't that fun? I think I've got like.. three art-related classes planned n stuff. I've thought  a lot about my stories, I just can't bring myself to write. I can't pay attention long enough to read anymore, so that also sucks.

.....I constantly find myself thinking that people get annoyed at me when I say anything and I'm just this worthless loser that is lazy, ugly and stupid. People younger than me know more than I do and when they talk, I can't follow and I feel so useless at a conversation. It seems like people get mad at me out of the blue and makes me feel like I shouldn't even try at friends. I get mad at myself for thinking things like, "I deserve that" or, "How could they be so selfish", or "I can't stand when they talk". People I meet over the net fall in love with me instantly, but they don't have a clue what's going on in my mind... Sure, my words can be beautiful, but who says my thoughts are? I don't deserve anything I get yet I think I deserve more and it makes me seem like some horrible monster... I'm afraid of getting attatched to someone so I end my relationships before they leave me... or I don't even start them to keep the ones that like me around. I'm tired of saying "I". I can't stand hating being around my friends, yet when I take time from them I go insane... I get mad easily and do whatever people ask me to... It's such a pain... I wish it would stop... but when I think that I get so scared... Why do people like me? Why can't I just appreciate everything..? A few years ago I would've killed myself just to feel love... now that I've felt it and lost it I feel so alone and I can't trust anyone... why should I? They'll leave me... couples always break up... It will never last, no matter how much I want it to. 'Sides; there's not a single guy that I ACTUALLY meet that I can bring myself to liking... I'm too scared of actually touching them only ot have them pull away...

.....I still want to kill my father, too. Everyone else at least got to see their father's faces and memorize them before they wrote you off as a child they hate... Not even a damn birthday card... do you guys know how lucky you are...? I spent my childhood praying to have a dad that mom and I could go places with, but instead I got all of her looser boyfriends and pervy neighbors that look at me funny. You guys are so damn lucky, you don't even realize....

-Sigh- Anyway. I love ya'll. Just ignore this. And don't get bitchy at me. It'll just cause me to wright more. KK?

LATERS!!! <3 <3 <3

Currently Listening Hybrid Theory By Linkin Park In The End see related

Joyous...

Summer, summer, summer... the time for sluts to screw guys in the ocean and give out free blow-jobs at the movies before getting caught and fake-crying to their money-lovin' parents.... Yeah, I'm bitchy. Summer for me means, issolation, more time for me to get bitchy and cold like usual to go back to school and be hated by people I don't and do know.  Fun. Don't ask why, but I feel like everytime I talk people hate me. I'm in that state, yet again. where I feel like no one really likes me, they just do it. They don't admire me, they just do it. I'm not pretty, not funny, obviously, I suck at games, I suck at singing, family looks at me like I'm just some.... thing. People ignore me... Toby. Yeah, you. --; Haven't talked since fucking October, dammit! But whatever. I don't care. And I'm honestly still pissed at Craig. I know full-damn-well he could possibly see this, but seeming as he's been ignoring xanga, and me, I don't think he'll really give a flyin' rat's ass. Yes, like I said I still hate him... I liked Poetry, and so did he, so now I hate it. I was interested in furs, so was he, I hate it as well. I used to actually cry at peoples problems when they came to me, like I did for him... but what's the point? When I cry, they don't give a fuck and just go on with their lives; no much as a fucking "Thank you." Thanks guys. Really. next time, I'll just tell the bastards to suck it up and be gay, ditching me. That'll really work. Wonderful. And what the hell is the problem with you damn gay guys anyway? No offense, but so far none of you have left a good fucking impression. Craig, ha, we know you cuz I wont shut up. Toby, I be nice and sweet and try to fucking consol you but you just act like a selfish dick, and then there's that other prick who's name I can't even remember cuz I'm so pissed at him.  Fuck. You. All. There. I said it. Thanks for fucking up my better judgement and pissing me off so much to where I'm a stupid little bitch that can't trust love. Go take a fucking pole up the ass... I'm sick of this. I'm sick of all of you, I'm sick of me, I'm sick of everything. I don't care anymore. Don't ask me to, you'll just get bitched at. Hell, I CAN'T cry for you anymore. It used to be so easy... Whatever. God, I'm tired.... (Curls up.) I wish I was a still-birth... I wouldn't have to deal with this crap... what's the point of living if there's people like you...? Honestly...

Don't worry, I do realize I have some really kind friends who don't like to hurt me... and actually do love me. It's just... hard to notice amungst the bad.... I'm sorry...

And don't fuss. This isn't a suicide note. I'm... too much of a coward to do it.... no matter how much I want to...